Christmas Eve Fireworks Baby.

You're breaking my heart. Every single Goddamned day, and you don't even know it. You chase these idiotic people who will NEVER reciprocate your feelings, and you keep pushing for them until you exhaust your heart and soul just trying to achieve an ounce of acceptance. And then when you try to spill your feelings like an overflowing river, you get rejected, you get told that you don't have to discuss it. Well what if you DO want to discuss it? Which was the point of bringing up the topic in the first place... My dear, you just get told to keep it in and fester until your every thought is consumed by the possibilities, the actions that effect every possibility...and still, you can never discuss it. No matter how much pain, or disappointment, or sorrow you're going through, you still have to keep it all to yourself, because YOU DON'T MATTER TO THEM. Because they want someone else, someone else who is as unattainable to them as they are to you.

Oh wait...I forgot.
We're two of a kind.

I've been here since day one. I haven't used you to make myself look cool. I haven't used you to bolster my popularity. I haven't used you for any personal benefit of mine.
I've been here because I. LOVE. YOU. You don't seem to understand that, so let me make myself clear.
If you were dead broke, I'd give you my last $100 so you could help yourself, leaving me to be the financially struggling one.
If you came down with some fatal disease, I wouldn't abandon you, like the rest of those girls would. I'd see you every day. I'd bring you your favorite movie and watch it with you until one of us fell asleep. I'd bring you your favorite food and drink in an attempt to lift your spirits.
If you had your heartbroken, I'd do anything to fix it. ANYTHING. I'd let you cry on me, stay at my house, use my car, take everything I had...if it would only make you happy again for a moment.
I would literally take a bullet for you.
But I'm not sure you'd do the same for me.
Everyone we know says we should be together. Why are you so adverse to it?
I can love you. I can love you like you've always wanted.

Just please...give me the chance I deserve.
I'm not sure how much more my heart can take of you walking all over it.

Anxiety.

Anxiety is normal I suppose.
Having difficulty breathing, being plagued by dreams that don't make sense, but still apply to your current situation even though you deny it...
Yeah. Everything's dandy over here.

I need God.
I need to give this all to Him, and let him be the Father that He says He'd be for me.

I'm such a small grain of sand compared to such an awesome Being.
And I'm finally starting to accept that.

Goodbye Anxiety, Hullo Bliss.

It's

Never going to be okay.

Dark Glowing Embers.

Just a little excerpt from one of my brainstorms...

I've never known a single individual who made a complete self-sacrifice for Love. There's always been that one sefish benefit keeping them from being 100% devoted. I guess that's why I've always liked musicians. They were completely and utterly devoted to their career; it wasn't some 8-5 job for them, it was a lifestyle. one that required every ounce of your soul if you were going to survive.
That's why I liked...loved Ektor so much. See, he and I had the same difficulty. We were both so tormented, haunted as kids. Alcohol does not improve a person. We learned that the hard way, through our parents and their drunken episodes. Ektor and I got the brunt of every backlash, every slap, every slur. As long as there were no visible scars or bruises, you didn't have a case. Simple as that.
And that's why Ektor and I bonded so closely. We both needed, craved full dedication; something our parents never gave us.
Constant affection is the one thing that made the gravitational pull of the voids in our hearts seem almost bearable. Like the ever-present feeling of his skin was my ecstasy; the world couldn't take me off of my throne when Ektor was with me.
However, there's a dark side, a malice about Ektor that no one has ever seen, save for me. Behind his vibrant green eyes, there was a fresh battle wound in his heart. Some say it was all a phase, and that he'd eventually "get better". Ektor was never one to improve if HE didn't think he was the one who needed improving. Ektor changed when HE wanted to change. The world was on his schedule, and time waits for no man. Not even Ektor Alexander Varkatzas.




I'm not sure if this is going to go anywhere.
But feel free to enjoy it ?

Thunder and Heartbreak.

Is never a good combination. I want someone in my life who's constant. Someone who doesn't get thrown around with the wind. I think I found her.

But I'm still stuck on a little hot mess. I'm so torn when he's right next to me. I want to hug him. Never let him out of my sight, ever ever ever ever again. But that would be inappropriate. I want him to see that I really do love him. And I want him to love me in return. That's all I ever asked for. All I ever needed out of him were three little words.
But that's asking too much of him.

Elisha Never Went Up In A Pillar Of Fire

The morning, this mourning never quite came.
Tell me, please, why I don't feel your shame.
Towards this unforgivable vile deed.
I'll lie again for you, inflate your greed.
This fight, this light, it's becoming extinguished,
This puzzle,
Broken Mosaic.

Your words never held an honest lie,
Kept deep inside your chest.
Hollowed hallow, show me where I need to be.
Take the compass and look East, Oh Guide...

The evening sneaks your life from prying eyes
Keeps it safe, keeps it high off the ground.
Pound this beating, timed in place of my pulse, a bomb waiting to go off.

This noose is my freedom,
and your eyes are my curse.
You'll forget this moment,
just like I never will.
Trade your loyalties for a dollar bill,
I see now where you lie.