Ahem.

After an enlightening conversation with one of my best guy friends, I've come to the conclusion that I need to grow a spine when it comes to boys.
I've come up with the 10 Commandments of Men for Women.
1: Thou shalt not go out with a man because thou feels sorry for him.
2: Thou shalt not feel embarrassed by thou's date.[Be proud of who you date.]
3: Thou shalt be somewhat spontaneous. [Don't get too crazy, though.]
4: Thou shalt do what is best for YOU. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish.
5: If you're in the situation where there are two men, who are both interested in you, choose the one you can see yourself dating for a longer period of time.
6: Sweet guys are great...but keep in mind that they're sweet to OTHER girls, too. When it's part of their demeanor, they're like that with everyone; regardless of who.
7: Bad boys are usually facades. If you can break down that wall (or believe that you can), then go for it.
8: Ugly guys are usually the sweetest. Or they can be the biggest douche bags of all. Take personality, actions, and words into consideration.
9: Sometimes your best friend can be the best boyfriend.
10: Good meals = good memories. Men associate good food with whoever they eat it with. Make sure to take them out to dinner, or make them something nice once in awhile!

So, I know this was dumb. But given my past experiences, I felt the need to semi rant about it. Oh well!

/:

I'm so confused.
I'm happy one minute, sad the next.
In love, unloved.
Proud and ashamed.
I don't know where I'm going, but I know how I'm getting there.
Everything is moving forward, but I'm still trying to run the other direction.
I want things to be the way they were before, when eyes shone with innocence and I still blushed at little compliments.
But now, eyes are filled with greed and I brush off those poor boys' emotions as if they were dirt on my shoulder. I'm sorry I'm fickle, and I wish you were here. Maybe then I wouldn't stray so much.

I want to have everything, and I want to have someone, anyone, everyone.

I'm guilty of gluttonous love. Dear Lord, I need to get my head on straight.

Can You Hear Me Now?

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see two people so happy together, so genuinely happy together, that the pit in your stomach starts coiling around like a snake and sinks because you know you won't ever have that? When your throat closes up to stop any jealous or congratulatory words from spewing out that you might not mean or want them to know that you're so envious of them and their happiness together? When your heart beats so fast from the yearning and desire of what other people have that it feels like it might jump out of your ribs and lay panting and writhing on the ground?

Yeah. So do I.

The Pulmonary Artery (Riddle Me This)

Comets sail with tails on fire,
Eyes smoldering, my heart's for hire.
I'm searching for the stars, I'm flailing in the sky.
I'm looking for the reason why you said goodbye.

My soul is growing dim, my lungs are void of air.
The night fades to black, fading into despair.

I'm clawing at the clouds, I've scarred the galaxy.
These hands are weapons, the damage has been done.
So take aim at the pulmonary artery,
And let the white light find you here.

Weary, aching, heavy feet.
Lay my burdened head to sleep.
Let the night blanket the sun, at least until after you're gone.
I don't wanna wake up.

Your face has worn the adornment of nations.
Your voice is strained, the ground shakes.
You won't be missed anymore.

Dante's Inferno

Blinded by madness, rage all that you feel.
You gave me a heart, which you managed to steal.
Stripped down from glory, devoured by pride.
Feed my soul to the fire tonight.

Give in to human greed, get exactly what you need.
Leave this place and never look back,
Or turn to a pillar of salt.

Your lies are your pleasure, tell me dear,
Pick your poison.
Glutton and Lust are among the choices.
Regret is not an option, hell is a one way street.

The pills in your hand aren't your ticket out.
Salvation's not bought, there's no reason to fear.
Ripped from the safety you managed to lose.
I'll feed your soul to the fire here.

Needles aren't rosaries, your world's falling apart.
Eden is guarded, unwelcome to you.

FML.

I'm tired of being dragged around like a doll, my edges are fraying and my face is getting scratched.
I'm losing my shine.

I'm sick of getting pointed at, my eyes ache from seeing you mock me.
I'm losing my spirit.

I'm done with being ignored, my head hurts from your bullshit and my hands are curling into fists.
I'm losing my serenity.

This house never was, never has, NEVER WILL BE a home.

Go fuck yourself.

Hero.

One of the many things I don't have.

Now, I'm going to vent.

My heart's been writhing next to my body for the past year. Close to me, tangible, but it doesn't fill the hole it made simply by it being next to me.
My heart's been acting like a fish out of water. Unprepared for these new environments, taken out of my comfortable ocean filled with unrequited love, which my gills have grown so used to that it's all I've ever known. Without the misery my heart inflicts upon itself, I wouldn't know how to feel. Because that's all I've ever known: misery, emptiness and I can honestly say I wallow in it, like a pig in it's filth.

I was talking to a new found friend of mine today, and I can tell he's pretty special.
We were discussing symbolism behind ordinary nouns. The descriptions of what he viewed the nouns as is what he based his characters off of in his story.
I gave him the noun "vase". The response he gave me was:
I picture a girl with insecurities. She's fragile, a rarity, and she has so much history behind her, behind her cracks.

He just described me.
I think he knows me better than he knows.

As I sit here.

I feel uncomfortable.

There are pantry items laying around the counter,
the mail is stacked 3 miles high,
there are stains in the rugs,
and I can honestly see how much work I do around here.

I still sink into the couch as usual, with my legs crossed, and my feet tingling.
I still have to pick up my mother's mess...as always.

I guess some things never change.

I'm Done.

You're the whiniest person I've EVER met.
NOTHING is as bad as you make it seem.

Just because your sister's being a bitch, doesn't mean you have to become a bitch too.
It's called TAKING YOURSELF OUT OF THE SITUATION.
And just because someone's had a harder life than you doesn't give you the right to shut them down when they try to make you realize that your life isn't that bad.
But noooooooooooooo, GOD forbid you get a reality check every now and then.

:<
You just keep pushing and pushing, and soon, no one will want to be around you anymore.
Keep it coming, boy, you're just digging your own grave.

Secreto Dos.

If I can't see the veins on my hand stick out while I write, or move my hand, I do a major calorie cut for that week and work out twice as much as normal.
(:

Secret Uno.

I think the reason why I can't get over him is because he's the only male influence in my life who HASN'T LEFT ME yet.

From You, Through Them, To Me.

"Sorry I was kinda mean this morning."

"It's okay, you had every right to be. I just think I'd feel more comfortable with people I know, and my dad would probably like it better. We DEFINITELY are going to chill at warped. If everyone goes, it'll be me, you, Ashlynn, Stevie, and Chloe, and Stefani. Plus Cody, and some of my other friends."

" I know it'd be more comfortable for you. I was just looking forward to spending time with you without a ton of other people. But if it'll ease your dad, and make you more comfortable then it's okay."

"Sorry. Well, we're still gonna hang, k? And yah, it would ease things with my dad a lot."

"Don't be sorry. Okay, well that's good. Whatever works for you."

"Well I made you upset...
Okay."

"...Yeah, but I should've thought more about where you were coming from, and I shouldn't have gotten so riled up about it in the first place."

"Well isn't Amanda coming? Cuz that's another reason that would make me uncomfortable. Well, I forgive you."

"No. She thinks Warped Tour is stupid. That's why I was so surprised chloe said she was going. Chloe and Amanda used to be best friends.
Hey, do you think we could get together over summer and work on the AP project?"

"Oh okay. Yah, maybe we could work on the collage together."

I HATE MYSELF FOR NEVER SAYING NO TO YOU.
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR LETTING YOU DO WHATEVER THE FUCK IS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.

Christmas Eve Fireworks Baby.

You're breaking my heart. Every single Goddamned day, and you don't even know it. You chase these idiotic people who will NEVER reciprocate your feelings, and you keep pushing for them until you exhaust your heart and soul just trying to achieve an ounce of acceptance. And then when you try to spill your feelings like an overflowing river, you get rejected, you get told that you don't have to discuss it. Well what if you DO want to discuss it? Which was the point of bringing up the topic in the first place... My dear, you just get told to keep it in and fester until your every thought is consumed by the possibilities, the actions that effect every possibility...and still, you can never discuss it. No matter how much pain, or disappointment, or sorrow you're going through, you still have to keep it all to yourself, because YOU DON'T MATTER TO THEM. Because they want someone else, someone else who is as unattainable to them as they are to you.

Oh wait...I forgot.
We're two of a kind.

I've been here since day one. I haven't used you to make myself look cool. I haven't used you to bolster my popularity. I haven't used you for any personal benefit of mine.
I've been here because I. LOVE. YOU. You don't seem to understand that, so let me make myself clear.
If you were dead broke, I'd give you my last $100 so you could help yourself, leaving me to be the financially struggling one.
If you came down with some fatal disease, I wouldn't abandon you, like the rest of those girls would. I'd see you every day. I'd bring you your favorite movie and watch it with you until one of us fell asleep. I'd bring you your favorite food and drink in an attempt to lift your spirits.
If you had your heartbroken, I'd do anything to fix it. ANYTHING. I'd let you cry on me, stay at my house, use my car, take everything I had...if it would only make you happy again for a moment.
I would literally take a bullet for you.
But I'm not sure you'd do the same for me.
Everyone we know says we should be together. Why are you so adverse to it?
I can love you. I can love you like you've always wanted.

Just please...give me the chance I deserve.
I'm not sure how much more my heart can take of you walking all over it.

Anxiety.

Anxiety is normal I suppose.
Having difficulty breathing, being plagued by dreams that don't make sense, but still apply to your current situation even though you deny it...
Yeah. Everything's dandy over here.

I need God.
I need to give this all to Him, and let him be the Father that He says He'd be for me.

I'm such a small grain of sand compared to such an awesome Being.
And I'm finally starting to accept that.

Goodbye Anxiety, Hullo Bliss.

It's

Never going to be okay.

Dark Glowing Embers.

Just a little excerpt from one of my brainstorms...

I've never known a single individual who made a complete self-sacrifice for Love. There's always been that one sefish benefit keeping them from being 100% devoted. I guess that's why I've always liked musicians. They were completely and utterly devoted to their career; it wasn't some 8-5 job for them, it was a lifestyle. one that required every ounce of your soul if you were going to survive.
That's why I liked...loved Ektor so much. See, he and I had the same difficulty. We were both so tormented, haunted as kids. Alcohol does not improve a person. We learned that the hard way, through our parents and their drunken episodes. Ektor and I got the brunt of every backlash, every slap, every slur. As long as there were no visible scars or bruises, you didn't have a case. Simple as that.
And that's why Ektor and I bonded so closely. We both needed, craved full dedication; something our parents never gave us.
Constant affection is the one thing that made the gravitational pull of the voids in our hearts seem almost bearable. Like the ever-present feeling of his skin was my ecstasy; the world couldn't take me off of my throne when Ektor was with me.
However, there's a dark side, a malice about Ektor that no one has ever seen, save for me. Behind his vibrant green eyes, there was a fresh battle wound in his heart. Some say it was all a phase, and that he'd eventually "get better". Ektor was never one to improve if HE didn't think he was the one who needed improving. Ektor changed when HE wanted to change. The world was on his schedule, and time waits for no man. Not even Ektor Alexander Varkatzas.




I'm not sure if this is going to go anywhere.
But feel free to enjoy it ?

Thunder and Heartbreak.

Is never a good combination. I want someone in my life who's constant. Someone who doesn't get thrown around with the wind. I think I found her.

But I'm still stuck on a little hot mess. I'm so torn when he's right next to me. I want to hug him. Never let him out of my sight, ever ever ever ever again. But that would be inappropriate. I want him to see that I really do love him. And I want him to love me in return. That's all I ever asked for. All I ever needed out of him were three little words.
But that's asking too much of him.

Elisha Never Went Up In A Pillar Of Fire

The morning, this mourning never quite came.
Tell me, please, why I don't feel your shame.
Towards this unforgivable vile deed.
I'll lie again for you, inflate your greed.
This fight, this light, it's becoming extinguished,
This puzzle,
Broken Mosaic.

Your words never held an honest lie,
Kept deep inside your chest.
Hollowed hallow, show me where I need to be.
Take the compass and look East, Oh Guide...

The evening sneaks your life from prying eyes
Keeps it safe, keeps it high off the ground.
Pound this beating, timed in place of my pulse, a bomb waiting to go off.

This noose is my freedom,
and your eyes are my curse.
You'll forget this moment,
just like I never will.
Trade your loyalties for a dollar bill,
I see now where you lie.