I hate

how you don't even talk to me anymore.
how you think a smile and a hug makes it better.
how you don't tell me ANYTHING.
how I'm just another girl to you, now.

how you think that I'm dumber than you.
how you don't even consider me your friend anymore, even though, like always, I'll be the only one who'll take you back.
how you think you're God's gift to Earth.
how you justify every little thing that you do when it's not necessary in the least.
how you expect me to support you in your decisions.
how I'm just another girl to you, now.

how you're so far away.
how I don't trust you.
how I talk about you to other people.
how when you're with me, everything disappears.
how emotionally unattached I am to you.
how much you love me, when I don't deserve it.
how I'm NOT just another girl to you, now.

It's been far too long.

And for this I am dearly sorry.
I promise to be more diligent about this.

An update on life?
Well, there's much to say, and much of it is nonsensical. Really, the majority of what I say is nonsense.
I have a beau. No, not Beau Bokan (I wish), but he's pretty special. Yes, I was hesitant to say yes when he asked me out, but it's turned out to be the best decision of the year I've made (so far). He's so different from every other male specimen I've met, it makes me question myself as a result of what I was once attracted to.
Family is crumbling apart. There's no real reason to try and salvage the scraps anymore. Someone always gets left out, namely me, and even better, I get the most pressure put on me. Awesome. Not.
My widdle bitty sissy is coming back to school with me! I'm more than excited for that. (:

And really?
Nothing. Nothing left to say in my whirlpool of a brain.
It's all been whisked away by the tide.

Ahem.

After an enlightening conversation with one of my best guy friends, I've come to the conclusion that I need to grow a spine when it comes to boys.
I've come up with the 10 Commandments of Men for Women.
1: Thou shalt not go out with a man because thou feels sorry for him.
2: Thou shalt not feel embarrassed by thou's date.[Be proud of who you date.]
3: Thou shalt be somewhat spontaneous. [Don't get too crazy, though.]
4: Thou shalt do what is best for YOU. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish.
5: If you're in the situation where there are two men, who are both interested in you, choose the one you can see yourself dating for a longer period of time.
6: Sweet guys are great...but keep in mind that they're sweet to OTHER girls, too. When it's part of their demeanor, they're like that with everyone; regardless of who.
7: Bad boys are usually facades. If you can break down that wall (or believe that you can), then go for it.
8: Ugly guys are usually the sweetest. Or they can be the biggest douche bags of all. Take personality, actions, and words into consideration.
9: Sometimes your best friend can be the best boyfriend.
10: Good meals = good memories. Men associate good food with whoever they eat it with. Make sure to take them out to dinner, or make them something nice once in awhile!

So, I know this was dumb. But given my past experiences, I felt the need to semi rant about it. Oh well!

/:

I'm so confused.
I'm happy one minute, sad the next.
In love, unloved.
Proud and ashamed.
I don't know where I'm going, but I know how I'm getting there.
Everything is moving forward, but I'm still trying to run the other direction.
I want things to be the way they were before, when eyes shone with innocence and I still blushed at little compliments.
But now, eyes are filled with greed and I brush off those poor boys' emotions as if they were dirt on my shoulder. I'm sorry I'm fickle, and I wish you were here. Maybe then I wouldn't stray so much.

I want to have everything, and I want to have someone, anyone, everyone.

I'm guilty of gluttonous love. Dear Lord, I need to get my head on straight.

Can You Hear Me Now?

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see two people so happy together, so genuinely happy together, that the pit in your stomach starts coiling around like a snake and sinks because you know you won't ever have that? When your throat closes up to stop any jealous or congratulatory words from spewing out that you might not mean or want them to know that you're so envious of them and their happiness together? When your heart beats so fast from the yearning and desire of what other people have that it feels like it might jump out of your ribs and lay panting and writhing on the ground?

Yeah. So do I.

The Pulmonary Artery (Riddle Me This)

Comets sail with tails on fire,
Eyes smoldering, my heart's for hire.
I'm searching for the stars, I'm flailing in the sky.
I'm looking for the reason why you said goodbye.

My soul is growing dim, my lungs are void of air.
The night fades to black, fading into despair.

I'm clawing at the clouds, I've scarred the galaxy.
These hands are weapons, the damage has been done.
So take aim at the pulmonary artery,
And let the white light find you here.

Weary, aching, heavy feet.
Lay my burdened head to sleep.
Let the night blanket the sun, at least until after you're gone.
I don't wanna wake up.

Your face has worn the adornment of nations.
Your voice is strained, the ground shakes.
You won't be missed anymore.

Dante's Inferno

Blinded by madness, rage all that you feel.
You gave me a heart, which you managed to steal.
Stripped down from glory, devoured by pride.
Feed my soul to the fire tonight.

Give in to human greed, get exactly what you need.
Leave this place and never look back,
Or turn to a pillar of salt.

Your lies are your pleasure, tell me dear,
Pick your poison.
Glutton and Lust are among the choices.
Regret is not an option, hell is a one way street.

The pills in your hand aren't your ticket out.
Salvation's not bought, there's no reason to fear.
Ripped from the safety you managed to lose.
I'll feed your soul to the fire here.

Needles aren't rosaries, your world's falling apart.
Eden is guarded, unwelcome to you.